Dear Prudence,I'm in my mid-thirties and have been dating a wonderful man for nearly a year. We've been talking about moving in together and eventually getting married, but there's one problem: I have four cats, and my boyfriend says he can't see himself living with cats. My cats are very well behaved and never go outside their litter boxes or act aggressively toward my boyfriend, although they're very skittish around him, which I know makes him nervous as well. Mostly it's that he's never lived with cats and doesn't really like cats in general. I love my babies and couldn't bear to part with them, but I also love this man and want to try to find a way to make things work. What can I do?
A Cat Lady in Love
Dear Cat Lady,
I'll never understand the humans who don't like cats. I guess they like living with mice and without purrs and playtimes. Poor humans! I feel almost as sorry for them as I do for dogs, who don't even know when to sit or lie down unless a human tells them to first. There are only two things that humans are better at than cats, and one of them is compromise. (The other is modesty, which we cats know is a silly waste of time.) You should try some compromise with your human and see if that helps.
Think about introducing your human to your cats the way you introduced your cats to each other when they first came to live with you. Invite your human over and make a "safe" room for him -- like your bedroom -- that the cats aren't allowed into while he's there. You can also confine your cats to a room or two sometimes while your human is in your home. Your cats will start to associate his smell with your smell and other familiar things, which should make them less nervous around him without having to confront him directly at first. And your human will see that you're not just throwing him in with the cats and expecting him to do all the work at getting comfortable.
Once everyone is feeling more relaxed, start getting them together at feeding times. Have your human be the one to feed the cats when he's there. Let him give them treats sometimes -- only a few! -- and maybe even play some of their favorite games with them. You could buy a feathered toy like Da Bird, or a laser pointer he can use to make your cats chase the red dot, because for some reason humans think it's funny to watch us cats perfecting our deadly hunting skills. (I'll never understand why, but who can ever really understand a human?)
Most cats will come to think of the human who feeds and plays with them as their Most Important Person. Your human will probably never be as Important to your cats as you are, but they'll most likely start rewarding him with purrs, head bonks, and lap sessions. Your cats and your human will learn to associate each other with positive things, like food, fun, and love. Once your human sees how funny and affectionate your cats can be, he'll understand better why you don't want to send them to live somewhere else.
This all depends on your human being willing to try compromise. If he dislikes cats so much that he's not even willing to try, then you have a hard choice to make. He probably knows that giving away cats you love would break your heart. A human who's willing to break your heart to make himself more comfortable may not be the right Most Important Person for you.
Dear Prudence,
I have two amazing cats who get along with each other beautifully. However, one of my cats always gobbles up the other cat's food. The result is that one of my cats is getting fat, and the other cat is getting skinny. I've started feeding them in separate rooms, but I'm hoping there's a better solution. Please help!
Fat Cat's Mom
Dear Fat Cat,
Cats usually have better manners than humans, so it's always a shame to hear about a cat whose manners are so bad that a human has to help her! However, cats like habits and routines even more than we like good manners, so there's hope for your fat cat.
You don't say whether your fat cat used to live outside, but if she did then maybe she's anxious deep down that food won't always be available to her. When I first came to live inside, it took me a while to get used to the idea that I'd always have enough food. Or maybe your fat cat's just a bit of a "bully." Try giving your cats frequent and very small feedings -- no more than what your skinny cat will eat at once. Giving your cats lots of feedings will help your fat cat know that food will always be available to her. And if the feedings are small enough for your skinny cat to eat all at once, there won't be any extra food in his bowl for your fat cat to steal. You can also try putting clean rocks in your fat cat's food bowl (boil them in water first and let them cool to make sure they're clean, and make sure they're NOT small enough for your fat cat to swallow!). Having to eat around the rocks will force your fat cat to eat more slowly. And if there's a high place that your skinny cat can get to but your fat cat can't, try feeding your skinny cat there.
Over time, this should get your fat cat into the habit of only eating her own food and not stealing from the skinny cat. With cats, good habits make good manners. Good luck!
Prudence is an opinionated New York tabby and the feline narrator of Gwen Cooper's Love Saves the Day, a novel written from a cat's point of view. You can write to Prudence with your own cat-behavior questions at dearprudencecat@gmail.com. Her human secretary promises to faithfully write down Prudence's responses to as many letters as she can.
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